Politics Explained

THIS IS A NON PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.

'Before you settle in,  it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I  have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it  are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group  of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by  and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but  I think I would be better off in hell..'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his  shoulder. ' I don't understand,'  stammers the MP.

'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. 

What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.....
Today you voted !!

What is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny....

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit.'

The two-letter word !

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .. When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP ...

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so... it is time to shut UP!

Smile, 1Malaysia, you are on candid camera.

'Smile Smile 1Malaysia' aims to get us into Top 10 :)

The government targets to be among the top 10 countries whose people smile the most in 2010 based on a independent body's findings, said Deputy Minister in the Prime Minister's Department, T Murugiah :)

He said several campaigns had been carried to eventually place the nation at the 26th spot this year but that was far short from the position of neighbouring Indonesia which was at number one :)

"I am now in the process to complete the working paper for 'Smile Smile 1Malaysia' and this will be forwarded to the minister before being tabled to the cabinet :)

The working paper will also be closely related to and add value to the concept of 1Malaysia," he told reporters in Ipoh yesterday :)

He said a study conducted by an independent body in Spain revealed that Malaysians smiled more at foreign tourists than local folks :)


And, here's a joke to make you smile:

A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read ..
'Keep off the grass'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read:

'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Samy Vellu, Muniandy and the old dog.

Samy Vellu and his driver, Muniandy, were cruising along a Sungai Siput country road one evening when an old dog loomed in front of the car.

Muniandy tried to avoid it but couldn't - the old dog was killed.

Samy Vellu told Muniandy to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later, Muniandy staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.

He was holding a bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened?" asked Samy Vellu.

"Well," Muniandy replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful twin daughters were so happy they kept kissing me!"

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Samy Vellu.

Muniandy replied: "I'm Samy Vellu's driver, and I just killed the old dog."

1Malaysia - truely Asia

An Indian, a Chinese and a Malay were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all of them died before they arrived.

Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the Chinese, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present, asked him what happened.

"Well," said the Chinese, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Indian and the Malay and I were standing at the gates of heaven. An Angel approached us and said that we were too young to die, and that for a donation of RM 500, we could return to earth. So, of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the RM 500 and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors. "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them" replied the Chinese, "the Indian was bargaining over the price, and the Malay was waiting for the government to pay for him."

The punishments in hell

A man dies, and he's looking in the gates of hell.

There he sees John Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl. The man turns to the Devil and asks why John Kennedy is with this hideous looking person. The Devil replies, "Well, John has done some bad things in his life and that's his punishment."

The man looks around a little more and sees George Bush with a beautiful model. The stunned guy asks "What's George Bush doing with that model?" The devil replied, "Well, that model did some pretty bad things in her life and that's her punishment."

Infidelity !

PR, DAP and BN died and arrived at the gate. St Paul explains to them:

'Heaven is a very big place and you need a car to get around. The car you get depends solely on how faithful you were to your spouse while you were alive'

PR was married for 15 years and cheated on his wife 3 times so he got a Citi Golf.

DAP was married 20 years and cheated on his wife once so he got a Toyota Corolla.

BN was married for 50 years and never cheated on his wife so he got a BMW.

PR and DAP were very envious of BN!

A couple of months later PR and DAP see Eric sitting on the pavement crying...


DAP asks: 'What's wrong buddy?'

BN replies: 'I just saw my wife'

PR asks: 'So? why are you crying?'

BN says: 'She was on a bicycle!

Modern morals for the office

Lesson number one ... A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high...

Lesson number two ... A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fornight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson number three ... When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, " We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

The English aren't getting any

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere
where the following people are stranded:

* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
* 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere ...


* The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman

* The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"---

* The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman

* The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them

* The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman

* The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.

* The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.

* The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...

Two hunters from Michigan

This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan:

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now.

The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!

And you thought your day was not going well?

Just a bit of wit...

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with!

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack"?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted (or decomposed?), cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?


And if THAT wasn't enough....

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

All 'tied' up in red

clipped from thestar.com.my Even Deputy Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak was seen wearing the red tie with yellow spots on it. So did the Ministers and Deputy Ministers in the Prime Minister’s Department and the Chief Secretary to the Government Tan Sri Sidek Hassan. Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi, however, apologised for not wearing the ‘special tie’. “I am sorry but I actually chose the wrong tie. This is what happens when you don’t listen to your wife. “This morning, my wife pointed the tie to me and I was thinking, why did she chose a red tie with yellow spots on it? “I thought (the corporate tie) must be the one with the batik design, so I took this one,” he said, pointing to the tie he was wearing. Only when he arrived at the assembly did the Prime Minister realise that he had chosen the wrong tie. “Next time, must listen to your wife – only when it comes to dressing up – but not on policy matters,” he said to laughter from the assembly.

Next time, must listen to your wife !

So, how many men are controlled by their wives?

Men and women on earth die and go to heaven.

God comes and says :-

"I want the men to form two queues, one line for the men who had control over their women, and the other one for the men who were controlled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk."

Next time God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were controlled by their women is 100 miles long, and in the line of men who had control over their women there is only one man.

God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all controlled by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"

"Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Having A Bad Day At Work?

Try Working In ICU!

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed,
on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical
condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with
the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths
occurred around 11:00 a.m. on; Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was
assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors
and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the
terrible phenomenon was all about.† Some were holding wooden crosses,
prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday
sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could
use the vacuum cleaner.

POTATOES

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love,
Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES!

Love,
Fred

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,
Fred

Happy April Fool 's Day !!

April Fools' Day is here... and it's time for you to pull your socks and start of with your unique pranks. What are you waiting for ? ...

Below are some of the most famous April's Fool hoaxes of all time, as judged by notoriety, absurdity, and number of people duped, enjoy !


The Origin of April Fool’s Day

In 1983 the Associated Press reported that the mystery of the origin of April Fool's Day had finally been solved. Joseph Boskin, a History professor at Boston University, had discovered that the celebration had begun during the Roman empire when a court jester had boasted to Emperor Constantine that the fools and jesters of the court could rule the kingdom better than the Emperor could. In response, Constantine had decreed that the court fools would be given a chance to prove this boast, and he set aside one day of the year upon which a fool would rule the kingdom. The first year Constantine appointed a jester named Kugel as ruler, and Kugel immediately decreed that only the absurd would be allowed in the kingdom on that day. Therefore the tradition of April Fools was born. News media throughout the country reprinted the Associated Press story. But what the AP reporter who had interviewed Professor Boskin for the story hadn't realized was that Boskin was lying. Not a word of the story was true, which Boskin admitted a few weeks later. Boston University issued a statement apologizing for the joke, and many papers published corrections.



15th Annual New York City April Fool’s Day Parade

n 2000 a news release was sent to the media stating that the 15th annual New York City April Fool's Day Parade was scheduled to begin at noon on 59th Street and would proceed down to Fifth Avenue. According to the release, floats in the parade would include a "Beat 'em, Bust 'em, Book 'em" float created by the New York, Los Angeles, and Seattle police departments. This float would portray "themes of brutality, corruption and incompetence." A "Where's Mars?" float, reportedly built at a cost of $10 billion, would portray missed Mars missions. Finally, the "Atlanta Braves Baseball Tribute to Racism" float would feature John Rocker who would be "spewing racial epithets at the crowd." CNN and the Fox affiliate WNYW sent television news crews to cover the parade. They arrived at 59th Street at noon only to discover that there was no sign of a parade, at which point the reporters realized they had been hoaxed. The prank was the handiwork of Joey Skaggs, an experienced hoaxer. Skaggs had been issuing press releases advertising the nonexistent parade every April Fool's Day since 1986.



World to End Tomorrow

On March 31, 1940 the Franklin Institute issued a press release stating that the world would end the next day. The release was picked up by radio station KYW which broadcast the following message: "Your worst fears that the world will end are confirmed by astronomers of Franklin Institute, Philadelphia. Scientists predict that the world will end at 3 P.M. Eastern Standard Time tomorrow. This is no April Fool joke. Confirmation can be obtained from Wagner Schlesinger, director of the Fels Planetarium of this city." The public reaction was immediate. Local authorities were flooded with frantic phone calls. The panic only subsided after the Franklin Institute assured people that it had made no such prediction. The prankster responsible for the press release turned out to be William Castellini, the Institute's press agent. He had intended to use the fake release to publicize an April 1st lecture at the institute titled "How Will the World End?" Soon afterwards, the Institute dismissed Castellini.



Titanic Replica Cruises English Channel

In 2001 hundreds were lured out to a windy, treacherous outlook atop a cliff in Beachy Head, East Sussex in the hopes of catching a glimpse of a replica of the Titanic (constructed by the AFD Construction company) sail past through the English Channel. The fact that much of the land had been made off limits to stop the spread of foot-and-mouth disease did not deter them. They came anyway, many of them driving from 30 or 40 miles away. They had learned about the chance to see the Titanic from a deejay broadcasting on Southern FM radio. So many showed up that the cliffs actually developed a crack from their weight. A few days later portions of the cliffs collapsed into the water, but luckily by that time everyone had long gone.



Hong Kong Powdered Water

In 1982 the South China Morning Post announced that a solution to Hong Kong's water shortage was at hand. Scientists, it said, had found a way to drain the clouds surrounding the island's peak of their water by electrifying them via antennae. The paper warned that this might have a negative impact on surrounding property values, but the government had approved the project nevetheless. Furthermore, more clouds could be attracted to the region by means of a weather satellite positioned over India. And finally, as a back-up, packets of powdered water imported from China would be distributed to all the residents of Hong Kong. A single pint of water added to this powdered water would magically transform into ten pints of drinkable water. Hong Kong's radio shows were flooded with calls all day from people eager to discuss these solutions to the water shortage. Many of the calls were very supportive of the plans, but one woman pointed out that the pumps needed to supply powdered water would be too complicated and expensive.



Instant Color TV

In 1962 there was only one tv channel in Sweden, and it broadcast in black and white. The station's technical expert, Kjell Stensson, appeared on the news to announce that thanks to a newly developed technology, all viewers could now quickly and easily convert their existing sets to display color reception. All they had to do was pull a nylon stocking over their tv screen, and they would begin to see their favorite shows in color. Stensson then proceeded to demonstrate the process. Reportedly, hundreds of thousands of people, out of the population of seven million, were taken in. Actual color tv transmission only commenced in Sweden on April 1, 1970.



Around the World for 210 Guineas

1972 was the 100-year anniversary of Thomas Cook's first round the world travel tour. To commemmorate the occasion, the London Times ran a full article about Cook's 1872 tour, in which it noted that the vacation had cost the participants only 210 guineas each, or approximately $575. Of course, inflation had made a similar vacation quite a bit more expensive by 1972. A few pages later, the Times included a small article noting that in honor of the 100-year anniversary, the travel agent Thomas Cook was offering 1000 lucky people the chance to buy a similar package deal at 1872 prices. The offer would be given to the first 1000 people to apply. The article noted that applications should be addressed to "Miss Avril Foley." The public response to this bargain-basement offer was swift and enthusiastic. Huge lines of people formed outside the Thomas Cook offices, and the travel agent was swamped with calls. Belatedly the Times identified the offer as an April Fool's joke and apologized for the inconvenience it had caused. The people who had waited in line for hours were, to put it mildly, not amused. The reporter who wrote the article, John Carter, was fired (though he was later reinstated).



Internet Spring Cleaning

In 1997 an email message spread throughout the world announcing that the internet would be shut down for cleaning for twenty-four hours from March 31 until April 2. This cleaning was said to be necessary to clear out the "electronic flotsam and jetsam" that had accumulated in the network. Dead email and inactive ftp, www, and gopher sites would be purged. The cleaning would be done by "five very powerful Japanese-built multi-lingual Internet-crawling robots (Toshiba ML-2274) situated around the world." During this period, users were warned to disconnect all devices from the internet. The message supposedly originated from the "Interconnected Network Maintenance Staff, Main Branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology." This joke was an updated version of an old joke that used to be told about the phone system. For many years, gullible phone customers had been warned that the phone systems would be cleaned on April Fool's Day. They were cautioned to place plastic bags over the ends of the phone to catch the dust that might be blown out of the phone lines during this period.



Drunk Driving on the Internet

An article by John Dvorak in the April 1994 issue of PC Computing magazine described a bill going through Congress that would make it illegal to use the internet while drunk, or to discuss sexual matters over a public network. The bill was supposedly numbered 040194 (i.e. 04/01/94), and the contact person was listed as Lirpa Sloof (April Fools backwards). The article said that the FBI was going to use the bill to tap the phone line of anyone who "uses or abuses alcohol" while accessing the internet. Passage of the bill was felt to be certain because "Who wants to come out and support drunkenness and computer sex?" The article offered this explanation for the origin of the bill: "The moniker 'Information Highway' itself seems to be responsible for SB 040194... I know how silly this sounds, but Congress apparently thinks being drunk on a highway is bad no matter what kind of highway it is." The article generated so many outraged phone calls to Congress that Senator Edward Kennedy's office had to release an official denial of the rumor that he was a sponsor of the bill.

Who Runs the Human Body?

In the human body, which organ is in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an *sshole.

Oops, that’s me !

After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Monsterball notices a photo of a man on her bedside table.

At first, he really didn’t give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he.

But after a month or so he begins to stress about it; even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed.

It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides ask about it.

“Is this your ex-husband?” he nervously asks.

“No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him.

“Another boyfriend, then?” he continues.

“No, not at all,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.

“Is it your dad or your brother?” he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

“No, no, no!!!” she answers.

“Well, who the hell is he, then?” he demands.

“That’s me before the surgery.”

CHILDREN ARE SMART!

Who said children are getting dumber every year? Check out the wisecracks below and judge for yourselves:

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.


TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!


TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!


TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.


TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."


SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.


TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher...snakes don't have feet


TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.


TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."


MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.


TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other,what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

Short Story writting

A colledge class was told to write a short story in as few words as possible.

The instructions were :-

The story had to contain the following three things :

1) Religion
2) Sexuality.
3) Mystery.

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class .

"Good God,I am pregnant, I wonder who didit !"