How to Foil the DVD Dogs?

Dear Bah Ta Wei,

Na beh, now the Malaysians got these dogs who can sniff out illegal DVDs, and it’s affecting not only my business at Holiday Plaza but also thousands of cheapska… I mean, cost conscious Singaporeans who order from me. How lai dat one ah?

Ah Kao

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Dear Ah Kao,

Sorrows for you.

Acherly, sorrows also for me because without illegal DVDs, my entertainment costs go up by a lot!

If I buy original, I not only kena pay the retail price and tax, also got transport cost, maybe parking, and spend more time KLKKing around the mall and buy more donno what shit.

If I go to the cinema, not only kena pay ticket, transport, parking and espensive pok corn, but sitting with all these pimply chewren taking photos with their mobile phones and hee-hee ha-ha-ing all over the shop makes me "si peh f&@#*."

I also damn sian to download movies, because I want to watch it now on my plasma TV, not three days later on my condemn PC screen, where the movie can be interrupted by incoming emails offering to increase the size of my kukucheow. And this leads me to spend even more money, because now I need to prove there’s nothing wrong with my kukucheow, and have to go ???? and find a pro-@*&e !.

So maybe cracking down on illegal DVDs is good not just for moviemakers, but also the economy as a whole, but you know, who cares about that? It makes me more pok kai and more shagged out!

But back to your porblem: the authorities definitely sng chao (literally: play smelly) by exploiting the smell of the DVDs.

But that means you can also fight back by trying to cover the smell of the DVD chemicals, lor.

I suggest you try smuggling your DVDs in bags of fertilizer, onions, or the best – durians. Especially ‘Lau Char Bor’ durians, which smell like a lorryload of my mother-in-law.

Acherly, durians might be the answer.

Sell durians in the front of your shop, and DVDs in the back.

And when delivering, maybe you can eat plenty of durians and then fart into every shipment. Most people shouldn’t have a porblem with this, because they’re used to watching movies that stink anyway.

Just be careful not to follow through. People might not want to buy DVDs with this kind of ‘extra feature’.

Good luck!

Bah Ta Wei


p/s I heard the two f**ker dogs now carry a price on their heads, an undisclosed bounty has been put up by crime bosses. Go get them !

(Original letters posted @ Talking Cock. I moderated down a bit)